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You ever consider suicide?

Got this question:

“This is going to be perhaps the most personal question you’ve received from anyone. With all the remarkable things you’ve experienced as a soldier, with all the setbacks in your personal life, with the setbacks in your professional life – getting the freelance career going et al – did you ever reach a point – and this is the touchy subject – did you ever think of ending it all? Did you glance over to that rope thinking this was your way out? If you do NOT answer this. I FULLY understand.”

It IS personal.

But, I made a promise to tackle this kind of stuff…

So, I’m not going shy away.

If this is too much for you… I get it.

Simply, click away.

So, here’s the thing…

This will probably freak you out about me, but I’ve dealt with suicidal thoughts since I was 9 or so. I’ve told you about the car accident my dad, little brother and I were in. One of the things that happened after that…

Was I got told how close I came to dying…

I don’t know how many times.

Doctors.

Family.

I heard it so many times, I…

I don’t know… it was a lot.

They were well-meaning, but that f!@#s with you as a 9-year-old. Then, not long after that I was molested. It was a friend of the family who we saw from time to time and I was just about old enough to feel something wasn’t right…

But, they were clever.

And, it took me awhile before I fully realized what was happening…

And, that it was wrong.

That just made things worse.

In any case, the closest I ever came was (surprise, surprise) about 6 months after I got back from Iraq. I was dealing with PTSD and it had hit its worst. I was working at a pizza place at the time.

And, we always had an evening rush.

I was an assistant manager…

And, had to make sure everything ran smooth.

It was stressful.

And, my body was out of whack in terms of dealing with stress. I used to go outside after each rush was over, sit down by the dumpsters where no one could see me and just bawl my eyes out for 10-15 minutes.

No real reason why…

Other than I was just overwhelmed.

As the months of this wore on…

I considered a lot of things.

The one day I remember vividly… it was raining. And, I was following this semi-truck back home from work. I lived about 10 miles from where I worked. And, the whole way I had this overwhelming urge to just drive into the back of it.

I could’ve easily passed it.

But, I didn’t.

I just sat there staring at it as I drove.

That’s the strongest I ever felt it.

Anyway, how’d I make it out? Well, thankfully, I had (have) an amazing wife who just kept putting up with me. I had a son I just couldn’t leave. But, somehow I found a way to just draw a mental “red line” around suicide.

No matter what happened…

It just wasn’t an option.

That saved me more than once.

Then, and this is going to sound uber cliche, but I found a deeper purpose in life. For some people, that’s religion or something spiritual. For me, it was my kids. It was a legacy and the kind of life I wanted to give them.

And, how I wanted THEM specifically to remember me.

I still tear up thinking about it.

But, once I had that purpose or “mission” in my life…

That stuff mostly went away.

I have no idea if that’s how it works for others…

Or, if that’s helpful to you at all…

But, that’s my answer.

It’s also partly why… while I generally come across as a curmudgeonly bastard, I deep down actually DO really want to help people. I just also have very little tolerance for excuses. Like do it or don’t… but quit bitching.

Your life is what YOU make it.

Don’t like it?

Change it.

Anyway, take that for what it’s worth.

It’s just how I look at it.

Of course, if you’ve been here longer than a minute, you know the drill… web development was how I “escaped”. And, teaching that to people is how I help. So, if you’re tired of making excuses and want to make it happen…

My free tutorial site will help you get started: https://www.johnsfreetuts.com

And, it costs absolutely zero.

I’ve put my heart and soul into those courses to try and helps others “escape”, as well.

Anyway, do what you want…

But, if you’re life isn’t what you want it to be… do SOMETHING.

Later,

John

September 26, 2018

I suck at web development

Lack of confidence is incredibly common among web developers. But, not many talk about it. As I’ve said, confidence comes from competence… but how do you motivate yourself it put in the work to be competent when you’re feeling like you just suck at web development? That’s what I explain in this video.

SkillShare 2-Month FREE trial: https://www.skillshare.com/r/user/johnmorris

August 15, 2018

Most developers are frauds

I want you to imagine this for a second.

Imagine you’re from a dirty little town of less than 200 people in the middle of nowhere. You can from a dirt poor family that are outcasts in your community.

And, you’re surrounded by rich kids.

Who never miss an opportunity to remind you…

That you don’t belong.

Constantly made fun of. Constantly told you’re a dirty nobody. Constantly told that you’ll never amount to s!@#… so why even try?

Imagine that was your childhood.

Then, fast-forward 10 years and now you’re a developer.. or, at least, trying to be. And, you’re at a conference surrounded by other, more experienced, developers.

The creator of one of WordPress’ most popular plugins.

The lead developer for a popular membership software.

And, dozens of freelancers with way more experience.

And, YOU were asked to speak. To try and tell these people something they don’t know. And, you can feel their eyes burning a hole in you.

It feels like they’re all just screaming “fraud” at you…

With every word that comes out of your mouth.

That was me a few years back.

Point is…

We all feel this kind of impostor syndrome. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been doing it, how much you know… we all feel like frauds, at times.

Especially, when you consider how much things change.

In this industry, there’s always something you don’t know.

And, there ALWAYS will be.

If not knowing something makes you a fraud…

Then, we are ALL frauds.

Of course, then, you have these know-it-alls who happen to learn one of these new things first and love to run around calling everyone else “noobs”…

Because they haven’t learned it, yet.

And, all this can make you feel insecure.

And, overwhelm and frustrate you.

Like, “What the f!@# is the point?”

But, here’s the thing. When it comes down to it, this is all just “noise”. What it really comes down to, no matter what you do in life, is a battle with yourself.

Confidence isn’t some magic thing.

Confidence comes from competence.

And then, owning that competence.

That doesn’t mean you know everything… or need to know everything. It means you know what you know and you put your heart and soul into it.

You become a badass at that ONE thing.

And, you KNOW you’re a badass at it.

And, you OWN that you’re a badass at it.

Everyone and everything else be damned.

That’s the way out.

But, it all starts with competence. And, competence comes from putting in the work. And, when you do put in the work, you know who and what you are.

And, all the chirping from these know-it-alls…

All the fears about all the changes in our industry…

It all just fades away.

Sooooo…

Get to work.

That’s the big “secret”.

That said, I’ve got a whole curriculum for you to build that competence when it comes to PHP, OOP, Security, HTML, Freelancing and more.

If you’re ready to get down business…

And, put in the work.

There’s over 30 hours of training waiting for you.

And, you can get started for nothing here: https://www.skillshare.com/r/user/johnmorris.

I’ll be waiting.

Later,

John

August 8, 2018